Hi! How have you all been? I know it has been six months since my last post and I would like to make up for the absence through this post. Please don’t hate me yet.
In my last post, I mentioned that God has redirected my footsteps and it led me here in Batangas where I now work as a process engineer in a fast-growing organization. Ever since my life has gone haywire and out of control. But it isn’t that chaotic. A lot of things were just happening and I didn’t have the time to compose all my thoughts.
Honestly, I just came out from a long distance relationship. I didn’t have the strength to continue and hold on to the promise of a love that will go home. Although letting go of that promise broke my heart to pieces, I really did not find the time to confront all the pain. I decided to just go on with my new life and to focus on my career growth instead. My weak and cry-baby persona did not have a place in this new life. I locked it in. And so, the waves of pain come on random nights when I just allow myself to cry my heart out and wake up the next day like nothing happened.
I tried my hardest to stay strong as long as I can because I did not have the balls (literally and figuratively) to handle the heartbreak. I simply did not have the time to be weak. I can’t let my life stop for one thing because I am on my own now. I can’t expect my chores to do themselves. I can’t just mope in my room the whole day and not work. I have to work my butt off to earn and get some chores done to keep my life intact.
My new work and responsibilities had become my greatest distractions from all the pain and homesickness. It worked for quite some time. But there are some random days when I see myself crying over little things which just end up in an all-out crying session for all the bottled-up feelings.
I wanted to write about it since writing has always been therapeutic for me. But I couldn’t just face my emotions just yet. I kept on denying them. As a consequence, I didn’t update my blog up until this point. I just didn’t have a “good” story to post about. I was convinced that there was just nothing “good” to write about. My best friend reminded me that there is always something to write about. She also reminded me to allow myself to write “not good” content for it could be a platform for improvement. I just have to keep on writing. I had all her reminders noted on my mind but I was just too stubborn. I didn’t want to just write any story. I wanted to write a good one. This started my struggle in finding a “good” story to write about. I wanted this blog to be about positive things and to bring about positive vibes. I can’t write about painful things. However, after months of slacking, I still didn’t have any progress. I was facing a blank wall I didn’t want to write on even if I was already given all the writing materials. I then realized that in order for me to write about the “good” things, I have to confront first all the “not good” things that happened. In this way, I could write the “good” things that came out of it.
It took some time for me to find myself again and regain the proper footing to pick myself up. It wasn’t an easy process. It wasn’t a pretty sight, too. I got wider and bigger. I gained a lot of pimples and my hair was just in its awkward length. It looked like I gave up on feeling good about my body. This way of thinking was somehow reflected in my physical appearance and it didn’t feel good to look at the person in front of my mirror.
Deep down the ugly self whom I saw every morning in the mirror was a person with little fighting power left. But still some fighting power – at the very least. I didn’t want to end up like this for I knew there was more to life than just pain and emptiness. So after months of slacking, I am now back at a better place. I’d like to think that the dark days are far behind and that the bright days have dawned once again.
I want to talk about this journey in detail even more but that would mean writing more pages. I’d just spare you from all those dark times and share with you what happens after those dark times. The journey is not yet complete. There’s still a lot to do and a lot to see.
This is just the beginning – another chance to love me even better and a renewed opportunity to serve my Creator. I am on my journey to finding my bigger purpose in life. This change of perspective brought this new sense of life in me. I now feel a lot better and look better because I am in a happy place. And this happy place is not something that just happened but this was a place I chose to be in. It is a grace that was long before given to me. It is just that I just found the time now to accept it.
So if you are in a dark place like I was, I want to grab this chance to tell you to stick around for the brighter days ahead. Don’t give up just yet. Remember that after every heartbreak and struggle is a breakthrough waiting to happen.
Joan writes 